What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 26.06.2025 08:47
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
What are your darkest taboo confessions?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
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Who then, do I blame.?
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I write beautiful poetry .
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But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But ive been too sick for many years..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Ive learnt so much.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And i lived it daily.
Does Donald Trump have low self-esteem?
But it wasn’t much.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I never cut or harmed myself..
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As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But, we were locked up after school.
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Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
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I did it because my mum asked me too!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
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He knew the spot.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
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And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
So, i spoilt her more .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He resisted the act ,that day.
She loved him until the end.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
So whats the point in blame.
I was seconnd youngest,
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I don,t even have a pension.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
When she asked me how she looked .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I was 9 years of age.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I could never make a relationship work though!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She found it foreign!.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She married twice! .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She wouldn,t have been !
I waited trembling.
As i do to all so called friends.?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I will be 64.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Was to survive, this bastard.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I couldn’t, believe it.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Would this be the day?
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She was in good health!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
All the time i was locked up.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I was scared of men, in general
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Put me off passion for life!!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I said to her
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
My family never makes their pension either.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
We were not on the streets..
(And it was in our own minds.)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
It was going to be , some day.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I think the readers, may guess!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
My life is so biszare .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Im still living with it.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I was very sick at this time too.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
This is soul school!.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
One cannot live in the past .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I have no regrets .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
We all went to grammer schools
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
What did i know ?
Comes on , in middle age.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.